Horse jokes

Some light-hearted horse
jokes from our readers!

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Favourite at Cheltenham Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, the jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly hes hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, hes struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second. He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.

The Romantic Race Horse The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in workouts. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"

Chapped Lips (thanks to Dick Beal ) A cowboy rode into town and pulled his horse up in front of the first saloon that he came to. He dismounted and tied the horse to the hitching rail and saw that he was being watched by a group of old-timers sitting on a bench beside the front door of the saloon. The cowboy went to the rear of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse. He then turned to walk into the saloon. "How come you done that cowboy?" asked one old timer. "I've got chapped lips," replied the cowboy. "Does that make em' heal up faster?" asked the old timer. "Naw," replied the cowboy. "It stops me from lickin' em and maken' em worse."

Chief Steward (thanks to Basil Bean) It was a typical bush race meeting, the difference was that there was a new Chief Steward on the job, a man who'd officiated at major city tracks and everyone was waiting to see what would happen at his first race meeting. One of the local trainers was in the mounting yard and the steward saw him slip something into his horse's mouth so he rushed over and demanded to know what it was. The trainer replied, in his best outback drawl " Well, yer see, 'e likes 'is bit a sugar , so I always give him a cube just before 'e races. 'ere ,I'll 'ave one just to show that there's nothin' in it." and he swallowed one. The Steward wasn't convinced so demanded that he be given one so that he could see if there was anything amiss with the supposedly innocent sugar cube. He swallowed it and walked away muttering to himself "Bloody bush bandits- thinking that they could put one over me" As the trainer is legging the jockey up he gave him very clear instructions- "Ride 'im in about fourth spot to the turn then let 'im go, and if anything passes you, don't worry, it'll only be me or the Chief Steward !"

The Preacher's Horse A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town" The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks" They buried the Bishop the next day.